¤angela¤ (tygr) wrote,

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Now that I've lost the power to pretend, I guess you could see right through me.

I've been thinking much lately. But thinking gives me pain and reminds me of how stupid I've become.

This is the story of why I'm here.

China has been like, rehabilitation for my clan.

My aunt used to work here, and now my mom. In previous years, we only go here for vacation. But then, everyone back home who had problems, or were thought to have problems by our parents were sent here.

And now I'm here.

My story? From the good and active student that I used to be, I became this super carefree person who was always out on gimmicks. I was always in that place. I would go out even on school nights. I would hang out with the same bunch of people. These same bunch of people stayed at my house for a month. I allowed other friends to go to my house for almost nightly drinking sessions. My room smelled like a bar. In fact it was like a bar. Loud music. The smell of liquor. The strong smell of cigarettes. I let myself loose.

I don't regret these things though, I regret that I let go of my focus on my studies.

But these things would not have happened if I had not let myself get so affected by a break-up. I've been through so many break-ups. Why was the one which started most beautifully cause the worst disaster in my life when it ended?

I got involved in this perfect relationship with someone. Yes, it's Arwin. Everything in my life fell into its place. Everything went well. Yes, I would sometimes skip classes but then, my notes would remain complete and no lesson would be left unclear. The break-up came. Unexpected to everyone. I remember one conversation with a friend during one of my ranting days, I said, "You know how much I love him." And my friend went like, "Yeah, we love him too."

The day right after we broke up, I came to school, in a daze, without any concentration at all, without interest. It started that day, and I don't think it ever came back. Add my dad's stroke attack and no one was there to keep things right for me and guide me.

I seeked comfort and support in the wrong place. Err, at least now I know it's the wrong place. I seeked refuge from my gang. And slowly, everything s l o w l y but surely shattered.

Naligaw ako ng landas.

Why did I not turn to my old friends? They're the ones who have been there for me for more than six years. Why did I let only my negative thoughts on them surface? Those things were so shallow.

If I had turned to them instead, I'd probably be at home in the Philippines, listening to the rain, relaxing.. perhaps talking to Karissa on the phone, raving about what life would be in sophomore year.. or at the mall smoking at the billiards hall, chatting with the squad.. you know, doing normal things. I can't believe how fun these simple things were.

I'm here.

And so is my dad's but it's only because he's here for the Chinese Traditional Medicine. Acupuncture. Herbal stuff. One of my dad's doctors gave him this herbal ball which is really gross. It's the size of a jackstone ball and it smells like soil. And I bet it tastes worse than how it smells. What sucks is, he has to chew on it before he can swallow because it's too big to just err, swallow. Anyway... I see him everyday and my heart breaks, half of his body is paralyzed and he thinks differently now. He used to be this strict and smart lawyer, now he's helpless and stubborn. But he's still my dad and I never loved him any less.

I think I have to be stuck here for a year or so. I hope my dad gets on his feet and starts walking again by himself. By that time, he would be on his way back to the Philippines, and maybe, I could convince him to take me with him. Hmm, he probably would.

I can't believe I would be celebrating my 18th birthday here. I planned it to be grand. But now I doubt I'd be celebrating it at all. A year ago, my mom told me we would go to Florida and visit Disney and Universal Studios with my dad. This plan is fine with me but, I don't think it would push through though. I'm trying to be positive about my dad's recovery but, I don't think he would be walking by September.

Harr... so much for my 18th birthday. For my siblings' 18th birthday: my brother was given a party with 3 drums of beer and a car, and my sister celebrated with 300 people.

For them, I'm the worst daughter so I'll probably get the worst party. Fun. *pukes*

This song is beautiful. Joe Crack the Don. Heh.
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